Conversations with myself

I discovered something over the weekend. I give great pep talks.

A whole host of stuff has taken place in the past week that culminated in one solid bout of depression. Here’s the thing: not all of it was bad stuff. For example, JM got married last weekend. A joyful event! And yet, whether it was the letdown of the whole thing being over, still grieving the people who weren’t there, or feeling like I absolutely am not needed anymore, I can’t say for sure, but I drove home the day after the wedding feeling like I wanted to cry.

And then, I found out our house had been broken into while we were gone.

Commence paranoid freak out. I have never fully recovered from the first time we were hit by motherfuckingthievingbastards. And now this. Add to that, The Boyfriend was leaving town for a few days, meaning I’d be home alone for several days and nights. The only good thing about feeling scared and paranoid is that it provides a nice distraction from feeling down in the dumps.

After I remedied that situation, thanks to a new alarm system that has allowed me to sleep better than I have in months, I was forced to confront that sadness.

I felt alone. I was watching status updates of friends on Facebook who were out having fun and doing things. I unloaded the dishwasher and thought again about how JM was settling into his new life with S, and I wasn’t a factor anymore. JL is in Philly and definitely doesn’t need his mommy. And The Boyfriend was off having fun without me (not that I had wanted to go with him in the first place).

And then I started talking to myself, out loud. I reminded myself how much I had looked forward to this weekend of just me. How I have a tendency to resent people who intrude upon my “me time” and now I had all kinds of it. How I’ve never wanted to be the mom who lived exclusively for her kids, and how I’ve cultivated a variety of interests specifically for that reason.

Amazingly, it worked. I felt better instantly. Probably because I spoke the truth.

Now, my weekend alone is coming to a close. But I feel rejuvenated. And I’ve managed to accomplish an amazing amount of stuff over the past couple of days. There are more things I should try to get done. Or I could just indulge in one of those interests.

That sounds like a better plan.