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Yesterday, I submitted an assignment that, upon thinking about it, makes me queasy.
There are times when I wonder at what point someone is going to call me out for the fraud that I am. When I wonder when they’ll say, “Please, your undergrad degree is from THAT school. Do you REALLY think it’s worth anything?” When I wonder which professor it will be that will look at something I’ve written and say, “You might want to rethink your career options. Graduate school doesn’t seem to be for you.”
Never have I been so absolutely clueless about what the intent of the assignment was. And I think that was probably the point, but reading the discussion board today, it seems as though other people saw more than I did in the reading.
I’m feeling overwhelmed again. I would love to drop down to one class per semester, but doing that means not going at all. I can’t get financial aid for one class and I can’t afford to pay for the tuition out of my own pocket AND pay on the student loans that are currently in deferment. And I can’t quit my job to go full time.
Ultimately, I can deal with that. It’s the loss of self-confidence that’s scaring the hell out of me right now. I need to be more disciplined, but I don’t know how to get to that point. Or I do, but my fear is standing in the way.
One thing is for certain. This experience is holding true with my non-New Year’s resolution. I’m living every day out of my comfort zone right now. This wasn’t exactly my plan.
So, I did something the other day that I wouldn’t normally do. I posted on Facebook that I would be in my old hometown on Saturday morning, if anyone wanted to meet me for coffee. As it turned out, I got three responses. One of them showed up, a former classmate who heads up the reunion committee. It was so cool to have a chance to just hang out and talk.
My reason for putting the call out was because I was heading out to my dad’s and I knew I was on time constraints because of things I needed to get done. I figured if I arranged to meet someone earlier, it would force me to get an earlier start, thereby getting back home earlier as well. And it worked. I went to my dad’s, accomplished what I’d set out to do, visited with my stepmom’s family for a bit and headed back home.
While I was taking care of a few things around the house, The Boyfriend made plans for us to meet some friends at the Olive Garden. I wanted a chocolate martini, and yes, even though I said I wasn’t drinking until after the Super Bowl, I allowed myself an exception based on the fact that it was with dinner, which meant no smoking. And it was lovely. Both the martini(s) and the company were lovely.
We headed back to the house afterward and The Boyfriend watched a movie while I read a bit. Sunday morning, I woke up and prepared to meet my friend Peg for lunch. Haven’t seen her… since June? Wow. That’s sad. We had fun, though, and she vented because she needs to. Note to self: make more time for Peg.
Later, The Boyfriend and I had dinner with MDFW and her family. It’s been a very long time since I’ve sat at the dinner table with kids and it was an absolute riot!
In between all of this, I was on the highway a lot this weekend. And given that I discovered one of my favorite bands had released a new album last summer that I was unaware of (until the other night when I downloaded it off of iTunes), I was quite enjoying myself. Both days were icy cold, but the sun shone brightly. I was ridiculously happy.
I guess I was right about Blue.
- Text messages. I never feel far from my friends, even when they ARE far.
- Chocolate martinis
- Driving down the highway, listening to new music
- Lunch with my son
- Unplanned weekends that turn out better than I could have expected
I was dreaming just before I woke up that I was in a hotel room where my friends Pat and Dawn were staying while they were in town. They had a patio outside their room, which overlooked the river. It was nighttime and moonless, but the snow on the ground cast a glow from lights of the city so it wasn’t totally pitch black. I was out there smoking a cigarette, wishing I had this kind of view all the time.
I heard a noise that at first sounded like water splashing. And then I realized it was the sound of wings flapping. Five Great Blue Herons were landing on the edge of the riverbank. I held absolutely still and one came within just a few feet of me. It was spectacular.
I was treated to so much wildlife observation last summer. We had a mallard explosion on campus and lots of Canada geese as well. It was so cool to watch the babies grow up over the warmer months. No matter the time of day, you could walk near the river and see a mother with ducklings. We noticed that so many of the males were sunning themselves on the sandbar, while the mothers tirelessly watched over the ducklings. The Canada geese seemed to have a more equitable arrangement regarding gosling-care responsibilities.
But the best part for me was Blue. Frequently, but not always and only in the early morning, I would see this Great Blue Heron. He was always quietly standing in the middle of the river, watching carefully for prey. On rare occasions, I would get to see his head dive into the water going after something.
When I was really lucky, I’d get to see him fly. His takeoff was always a little awkward (he is a rather gangly bird), but once he got going it was pure grace.
He was kind of a good luck charm. No matter what my mood as I was walking into work, when I saw Blue I knew it was going to be a good day. And it was.
With it being winter, the Canada geese have long gone and the last time I saw Blue or his mate (when they were together, I’d call them Frasier and Lilith) was in late October or early November.
Only the mallards remain, but they only venture out in the early, early morning before sunrise. They went into this hiding the day fall semester started. It was as though they knew it was going to get a little crazy. I rarely see them, since it’s dark when I arrive. But I usually hear one of them. It always sounds as though he – or she – is laughing at a really bad joke.
I’m not sure why I dreamed about the cranes this morning. Maybe Blue is trying to tell me that today is going to be a good day. I hope so.
The Boyfriend went to a hockey game this evening. He seemed reluctant to go, but I made him. He went with a guy from work. The game is at our new arena downtown and I thought it would be good for him to check out. He asked if I wanted to go, but this week has pretty much kicked my ass. Plus I’m using the quiet time to do some cleaning up in my office here at home. I’ve made quite a bit of progress, but I’m not quite ready to tackle those two piles of papers and books on the desk behind me. Truthfully? They frighten me. More than a little.
The week hasn’t been as productive as I’d have liked. Working out fell by the wayside after the Iowa game. One night of little sleep pretty much wrecks me for the rest of the week. I think a part of me will start to relax after I see what I’m hit with at work next week.
One of my professors posted a “pre-week 1 lecture.” I logged in to view it today and was rather surprised that it was nearly an hour long. But it wasn’t painful and I appreciate the lectures more than just slides in a Powerpoint presentation. The class itself sounds like it might be tedious and grueling, but it sounds like she does what she can to make it tolerable. Also, her philosophy interests me.
Even so, I have yet to see what the other class has in store for me and I’m nervous. I’ve already told The Boyfriend that we should probably go out with friends tomorrow night, because it might be the last of a social life I have for a while. Hell, I might even blow off the no drinking thing for a night and have a martini. Just one.
Because over the next few months, there probably won’t be time to drink anyway.
And what the hell? I’ve been summoned for jury duty AGAIN. This makes four times in three years. And I was summoned at least twice when I was still living in my apartment. I suspect, based on my group number, that I will have to go downtown again, for the third time. I guess it’ll give me some time to read, eh?
I was up waaaaaay late last night watching the Orange Bowl (WOOHOO HAWKEYES!) with friends. Consequently, I did not get out of bed early enough this morning to work out. However, spending time with friends on a weeknight is something I don’t typically do, so in a sense, I was getting out of my comfort zone.
I told The Boyfriend several days ago that he had to be supportive of my efforts and that frequently, I would be in bed before he got home from work. But that I would also make an effort for him, to stay up later than usual sometimes. Last night was one of those times.
We’ve been having people over more often lately. I like it. The house is relatively picked up (except for the office, dear god, don’t go in there) and I enjoy having people here. I wish I had more places to sit though… perhaps a smaller dining room table would allow for something. It’s on the list.
It’s 8:30 p.m. and I think I’m going to go to bed. Because I can. And also, I’m really tired. And I have to be up early tomorrow to work out!
It’s been interesting to see how many bloggers are not talking about making resolutions. And by not talking about them, I mean they’re all saying that they aren’t making resolutions.
I actually have absolutely no problem with that. I like the idea of resolutions, but when I say, “I’m going to do X,” I find that I usually don’t do it. I rebel against my own authority. “Oh yeah? Think so? Well, guess what? You’re going to do Z instead.”
I made a list a couple of years ago of things I wanted to do in 1000 days. I have no idea where that list is now. One of the things I wanted to do was try a new restaurant every month. I made it to February.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’ve determined that there is one thing I can, nay, need to do in my life that will ultimately (I hope) have positive effects on every facet of said life: break out of my comfort zone, regularly and often.
One of the first things I have planned for this month is attending my first Lucas County Genealogical Society meeting. I won’t know anyone there and that is definitely out of my comfort zone. But this is something I’m interested in and I shouldn’t let anything stand in my way of being able to learn more.
I dragged my happy ass out of bed this morning and worked out for 20 minutes before work. That was DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone. But in the midst of it all, my body remembered, “Oh, right! This is GOOD!” Ten minutes later, of course, it was screaming in agony, but man… those few seconds of endorphins kicked ASS. I’ll do it again tomorrow.
Making better food choices is even out of my comfort zone. Getting to bed early… out of my comfort zone. There are other things in the back of mind that I may or may not do. I’m not going to talk about them now because I don’t know what I will ultimately decide to do.
But I’ll talk about them afterward. It’s kind of the like the husband and wife who sat down to make To Do lists. The husband could never understand how the wife managed to get everything on her list done, when he struggled to get half of his completed. It was simple. She did something, wrote it down and promptly crossed it off.
Sounds reasonable to me!
So, I decided, after seeing both Ree and Susan do this for a while, that I would give it a shot. Especially with winter here and the holidays over, I thought it would be a good time to take stock of things that I’m grateful for. It certainly can’t hurt! I don’t know if I’ll get to this every day, especially once the new semester really starts kicking. But I can try! If you want to try, visit the GiST site and sign up.
- Warm slippers on cold winter nights
- The last piece of holiday apple pie
- Not having the stomach flu
- The promise of a slow day at work tomorrow
- Ordering textbooks from Amazon and knowing new knowledge is on its way
Inspired by a library blog, I was thinking of recapping 2009 before potentially coming up with a list of things I want to do in 2010. But then I realized I really didn’t recall much of 2009.
Hypothyroidism, continual bitterness about the motherfuckingthievingbastards who broke into my house and a little thing called grad school are all culprits. The blog getting hacked certainly didn’t help, but since that was my own fault… well, that makes me a culprit, too.
There was a trip to NYC in May that definitely sticks out in my memory. There was our first attempt at a vegetable garden, too. Last summer was our own version of “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes,” only in our case, it was watermelon vines. If we plant them again, I’m training those bad boys in home security. Intruders will be strangled to death and tossed over the fence.
Oh. Right. This was also the year that I stopped speaking to my neighbor, over a fence dispute. There is a part of me that is oh-so-tempted to paint a mural of the Pittsburgh Steelers logo on the side of the fence that faces my yard. I’m sorry, did I mention he’s a Browns fan?
I saw the best Springsteen concert of my life this year. I saw the Cubs lose three straight to the Tigers and I didn’t mind terribly. Turns out that a lot of Tigers fans are also Cubs fans, so I was in some pretty good company at the ballpark.
This was a year of reconnecting. My grandmother passed away at the end of 2008 and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in 15 years. Many of us talk weekly on Facebook now. This was also the year of my 25th high school reunion, and I, who had little to do with any of the individuals involved, helped plan it. I made some great friends out of the deal and we had a kick ass reunion.
There were big changes at work. We went live with ILLiad borrowing in January. (I’d been using it on the lending side since August 2008.) We lost a member of our department, leaving two of us in interlibrary loan. There is still continuing drama within the circulation department and I am very thankful that I am no longer a part of that department.
One son moved to Philly. The other son found his first (and shortly thereafter, his second) real job and moved out, leaving The Boyfriend and I to rattle around this place alone and contemplate what to do next.
Those possibilities are seemingly endless. It’s a good and scary feeling.
My family is messed up. Seriously.
I used to get so aggravated with my dad for not telling me stuff that was going on with the cousins and aunts and uncles that I didn’t see. I had one cousin (we’ll call him C) that I more or less stayed in touch with. He was in the military so he and his wife moved around a lot. I went down to visit them a couple of times when they were living in Kentucky. On more than one occasion, I have called him to find out about something going on here with my family.
My grandmother passed away last December and since I had the opportunity to see nearly all of my cousins, I was thrilled to find out that a lot of us were on Facebook. I immediately friend-ed them and started paying attention to their updates. I started writing back and forth a lot with C’s younger brother, M. I was even involved in a Fantasy Football league with both of them and their dad this year!
So, when I read on Facebook tonight that M is a new uncle, I was quite surprised. I had no idea that C and his wife were expecting. I called another cousin on FB. She had no idea. She called her mom (my dad’s sister) and she had just found out two weeks ago and forgot to mention it.
I had to call my dad and apologize tonight for all those times I’ve been angry with him over things like this. Clearly, he comes by it honestly. And clearly, even communicating with someone on a weekly, if not daily basis, still doesn’t mean you have the first clue what’s going on in their lives.
*sigh*
My family is messed up…
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